The top reason that couples argue is the inability to see eye to eye when it comes to money. Here are ways to stay constructive for couples that argue about money.

Get real, is it the money or the relationship?

As I said in the article, money has no power of its own. So if you are arguing about money it may be indicative of other issues in your relationship. If there is a wide disparity in your salaries and that is creating stress, the issue isn’t really the money. It’s probably about the lack of respect—about not yet having merged your lives in a truly balanced way. No one person, no matter how much money they make, should have any more power or responsibility in a relationship.

Talk, don’t shout. Before you attack, listen.

Then when it’s your turn to speak, calmly explain your concerns and your goals. Threats and anger are never constructive. If you and your spouse can’t talk about your different approaches to money, how are you ever going to solve them? And at the risk of sounding a bit repetitive: be respectful! If you have an appetite for risk and your partner is financially conservative, don’t be pushy or belligerent about it. Find the middle ground. And try to find out what’s behind your stances; if nothing else, think of it as an opportunity to learn about one another and to cultivate that all-important spirit of support and accommodation in your relationship. If you can’t do that for each other, money isn’t the problem. Your unloving interaction is the real issue. And you will need to face up to that to have any chance of fixing things.

Set goals and automate.

In the midst of the day-to-day craziness of life, it’s easy to take your eyes off of long-term goals. You both want to buy a home, but then one of you gets sidetracked at the mall and mindlessly blows $300 on clothes that aren’t really needed. And then it’s only when the guilty shopper gets caught that their partner angrily points out that the $300 should have been invested in a savings account for your down payment. The solution for this is, first, for you both to agree on your big-picture goals—things like saving up for a home down payment, funding Roth IRAs for each of you, or paying off the mortgage ahead of schedule so you can retire debt-free. Then, whatever your goals are, set up an automated way to fund those goals. For example, if you want to save $300 a month toward a down payment, have that money automatically deducted from your checking account each month. Automate and you don’t have to argue.

Share the responsibility.

Quite often there is one partner who does the bills, handles the investing decisions, and so on, in part because the other partner refuses to, or simply isn’t reliable enough. And that can become the root of a lot of resentment and arguments. Or maybe you both are trying to retain total control, and butting heads. I want you to sit down and make it a joint exercise. Once a month you are to pay the bills and check your statements together. This provides a perfect setting to regularly review and discuss household spending patterns and financial strategies. If during the process you find something to argue about, step back and go over your long-term goals. How does whatever you are arguing about fit into those?

Don’t wait ‘til after the wedding to work out the kinks.

For those of you who are not yet married, please take the time to really talk through your money goals before you say “I do.” Don’t think it will all just work itself out after the wedding. If you already have concerns about your partner’s approach to finances, things are only going to get worse once you are in the marriage. So take the time now to confront your financial differences. If you are dating a spendaholic and that is an issue for you, then you better get that out on the table right now. If the spendaholic doesn’t want to change, then you need to reassess the relationship. Same goes with your approach to credit card debt, your goals in terms of renting vs. buying a home, and how you plan to save for retirement. And please make sure you discuss your plans for the kids. It is crucial to make sure you are on the same page about stay-at-home parenting (pro or con) as well as your thoughts about public vs. private schooling and how to pay for college. If you don’t discuss those issues now, only to discover later that you have quite different perspectives, then you are setting yourself up for a stressed-out relationship.

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