The emotions you experience after the loss of your baby due to a miscarriage are very personal and as with every life experience, unique to the individual. Miscarriage is a relatively common occurrence but this does not mean it is a ‘minor’ event, nor does it make the loss any easier for an expectant mother to bear.

For 38-year-old VI resident Wendy Thompson, (real name withheld) there were no signs of her losing her five-month-old baby, and so she finds it difficult to erase the memories of that horrible Wednesday morning that changed her life forever.

“There was blood everywhere, I felt something hard forcing down between my legs, and I recalled trying to hold it up with my hands before I passed out. It happened so fast it is still hard to believe, for one moment I was a happy expected mom and the next I was laying in hospital surrounded by sad looking faces,” Thompson added with a sad look on her face.

During her pregnancy, Thompson visited her mother in New York and was at home doing the laundry when she slipped on the wet floor. Despite her ordeal, which occurred three weeks ago, Thompson was willing to share her experience and talked about how she felt while trying to comfort herself. 

Like many women, she described an array of responses after her miscarriage. Some women will say in retrospect that they ‘knew’ their baby had gone, even before the signs of miscarriage appeared. Reactions can range from being philosophical and accepting, to very devastated and profoundly affected, perhaps with a sense of failure.

 It is not uncommon to feel numb and perhaps shocked and in denial that it happened. Some women will feel guilty because they were unsure about wanting the pregnancy, or perhaps relieved in a sense if the pregnancy was not planned. These can be mixed with overwhelming emotions of sadness, blame, jealousy, heartache, emptiness, disbelief, confusion and anger, in the days, weeks or months that follow.

According to Thompson, it is important to remember that there is no wrong or right way to grieve when dealing with a miscarriage. Thompson who mothered two children aged 10 and 5 said her emotions affect her appetite and ability to sleep.

“I am constantly feeling tired and have difficulty concentrating, but I am still in good shape compared to others who are physically unwell and less able to cope with life. I socialise very well and always want to be with others (especially pregnant women and parents),” she noted.

According to one Psychologist, many women talked about bizarre dreams and nightmares after their miscarriage. The dream may be one of giving birth and everything being ‘all right’ or it could be a nightmare where you or a family member faces personal danger and their safety is threatened.  For Thompson, her nightmares are incredibly vivid and the experience so strong and fearful, it leaves her feeling upset or unsettled upon waking.

“I recalled my mother trying to wake me up from a nightmare, after she overheard me screaming for my baby one night. I dreamt that she was falling off the bed and I was trying to catch her,” she stated.

Thompson who still clings to her baby’s belongings, said two days after her ordeal, her mother told her the already developed fetus was a girl with a “a head full of hair”. 

“I tend to grieve very differently especially when my fiancé is around. Sometimes emotional reactions to the miscarriage place an enormous strain on our relationship,” she added.

Thompson said that her fiancé doesn’t talk much about the miscarriage as some men is of the belief they need to ‘stay strong’ and in doing this they suppress their own feelings.

“Despite the pain associated with miscarriage may never heal completely, I think it will be easier to live with, as time passes,” Thompson concluded.

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